Am I truly willing to do what my Zen practice time and time again seems to be asking of me? Namely, stopping the intellectual practice of pursuing thoughts, words and external stimuli and learn, truly learn, the practice of looking into the mind source?
Yeah, I know, I've been over this before here, but it's coming back up for me again.
After two years of trying in spitz and spurts, I don't think my sitting practice has truly caught fire yet. It was certainly ignited again during the 14 periods of zazen I sat at the last weekend sesshin I attended at Mt. Equity, but it has since gone out. I don't think there is even anything smoldering right now. I don't see any smoke. Where there's NO smoke, there's NO fire. I think that's why it's been such an effort lately to sit zazen at home on my own. If I had just a little bit of the fire (even just a single ember) from Obon sesshin, it would be easier to sit on my own. Now I have to start from scratch (now where's that flint?) and the effort at the moment seems too great to overcome by myself, but I'll try.
Yeah, I do have periods during my busy day that I'm able to return to my breath, make myself upright and practice turning inward for a minute or two. But I don't think that's really enough. Of course the question that might follow a statement like that is "Enough for what?" Am I expecting something to come out of my practice that I perceive as not occurring right now? Yeah, I guess there is. All I know is a formal sitting period of at least 30 minutes is better for me than just practicing a few minutes here and a few minutes there throughout my day. How do I know that? I can feel it for days following weekend sesshin.
So, after all these words, words, words; what am I going to do? How am I going to practice? I don’t know. “Only don’t know”, that’s an ok place to be don’t you think?